Friday, 24 April 2009

I'm a lady and I do lady's things

Meet Emily Howard

She is the world's worst transvestite according to the show "Little Britain". She makes sure everyone knows she's a lady by announcing to anyone who will hear her "I'm a lady and I do lady's things."

I thought I would let her introduce this post because I am a lady and I am going to post about lady's things today. So if you are a man (or woman) and don't wish to know about my lady's problems let it be on your head if you read any further. You have been warned.

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Although Emily Howard likes to think she is a lady, I am sure she has never had to experience the excruciating pain that can accompany the monthly period.

From the second time I got my period I have had the "pleasure" of curled-up-on-the-floor-crying back pain that would get so bad I didn't know whether to crunch up in a ball or do back flips in an effort to abate it.

After missing a few school days and checking out of life for a while (not in a bad way), I have learned that there are only two things that help me crawl out of the pain induced fog.
  1. A semi-truck's worth of midol. I understand that I may be on the verge of overdosing each time I take the stuff, but good grief.... what's worse - a self induced coma or period pain? I leave you to be the judge.
  2. A good heat pack. Ideally two good heat packs. One for my back and one for my ginormously (that word's for you DeNae) bloated stomach. I have a wonderful wheat heat pack that I put in the microwave for two minutes and it stays hot long enough to ease the pain until I get back to sleep.
With these two things, I crawl back into bed and hope for the best. The good news is I don't get the pain quite so often as in my adolescence. The bad news... well.... the pain is the bad news.

So what happens when I am woken at four in the morning by the stirrings of another fantastic pain episode only to find that I have maybe packed my wonderful heat pack away?

I make one

Here is the aftermath of my early morning Midol hazed sewing frenzy


DeNae said...

Thanks for the ginormous shout-out, Helen. I'm going to let you off the hook because you have apparently suffered enough already!

I have probably destroyed my stomach lining from the Ibuprofen it takes just to get me through day 1 of happy week. And heating pad is a godsend, especially since I wouldn't know how to work a sewing machine if Betsy Ross herself showed me how. (She's famous for sewing the first American Flag, although some people think it was really George Washington. Pfft. Right. As if.)

Yeah. Day one in particular really sucks. I definitely feel your pain, sister!

kiwibabee said...

I would get it so bad it would make me throw-up. So I know exactly what you are going through, but right now i have a IUD and have no monthly visits. Yea!!!!

Kelly said...

Aw that sounds awful Helen! Actually sounds like labour to me...
Poor ducky.

Anonymous said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Hel said...

Thanks Susan! I hope to "see" you often.