Sunday, 24 March 2013

Happy Pills generally save me at least once every day

It's hot.  It's eleven in the evening and I am wide awake.

Two nights in a row now.  I haven't been able to go to sleep.  I've been suffering from complete exhaustion for the past four weeks and now I can't sleep?!  Stupid hormones.

I'm on the cusp of depression.  I take my pill every day and I know it keeps me from falling off the edge.  But I'm right there.  Right on the edge.  Not caring about my appearance.  Not caring about the state of the house.  Doing the bare minimum to get by.  Dallas says I have an excuse.  I'm pregnant.  But I think the excuse just enables me.  Am I being too hard on myself?  Should I just let all these things slide?  Give myself a break.  Or does giving myself a break just mean I'll be teetering on the edge for longer?

I'm not unhappy.  I just don't have it in me to care about things like appearances and dinner and getting out of the house.  For me, not caring about those things brings me closer to a black hole that I try to stay away from at all costs.