I let a swear word fly from my mouth this evening and then stormed into my room slamming the door behind me.
The tooth brushing episode is what started it (at least tonight).
The parenting magazine that I just freshly finished reading seemed to have all the answers for getting a 2 year old's teeth clean. I tried every. single. method in that darn article. It turns out LQ hasn't read the article, though. So despite singing, exclaiming that her teeth were finally clean and were saying "thank you", letting LQ bush my teeth and various other forms of coercion I was still left with a resounding "NO!" from the wet naked child sitting in my bath tub.
With gritted teeth (nicely brushed) I then explained it was time to get out of the bath.
"You can watch Mickey Mouse while you are getting dressed"
"Ok. Time to get out. Bye-bye bath."
"No, No, No"
"One, Two, Three"
And we are out. Out but not down. LQ struggled against the towel wrapping. She thumbed her nose at me when I warned her not to run on the tiles with wet feet.
The swear finally surfaced after LQ spent a few minutes writhing on the floor as I attempted what seemed like an impossible task - clothing a kangaroo on crack.
In my room I pondered on the complexities of my relationship with my daughter. When did I stop being the assertive but loving disciplinarian and start being LQ's doormat?
Does it get any better? From what I have seen there isn't much hope of ever regaining control. My struggles with LQ, it would seem, have only just begun. (Cue music "It's only just begun").
But as I delved deeper into the whys of my reaction this evening, I knew it wasn't only LQ that I have been fighting. I have been fighting and losing to an ever decreasing sense of self. I have been fighting against that last shred of who I once was completely being drowned by the barrage of "NO's" that I get daily.
Who is this woman who only a month ago thought she had it all figured out? Why is this new version of me letting a 2 year old get to me so easily AND walk all over me? Did I really sign up for THIS?
Will I lose my identity completely if more children come along? I don't want to completely lose my self and come out the other end of this child rearing stage of life with a bewildered look and vacant stare. How do I find the balance that is right for me?
AND when I am at the very end of my tether and wanting to do anything but touch and hold my child lovingly, how do I still find joy in motherhood and divinity in my role as mother?
Dal once said that he liked when my blog posts were resolved by the end. All wrapped up neatly and ready for another day. But this time I don't have a resolution. All I have is a mothers fragile psyche and a wedge shoe ready to throw at the next person who dares to walk through the bedroom door.
Note: Dal WAS there helping out where he could and when I lost it he completely took over. Had I been a single mum, LQ would still be running around naked sipping on an energy drink.