Monday, 20 September 2010

Not a lot of Light in this Post

We are leaving in two days.

We are taking what we can in six large suitcases, three carry-on suitcases and "personal" bags.

As an aside, I've seen women with "personal bags" that are larger than their carry-on suitcases, overflowing with who knows what, whacking unsuspecting flyers in the head as they totter past on their too-high-for-flying shoes. It gives me the willies.

... and while I can list off to you many reasons for being excited for this journey, at this point I am not sure any of those reasons would help.

The facts are: I love Hobart (and Tasmania) more than I can possibly explain; Dal and I both feel like this place fits us perfectly; The people we have met have become good friends fast; There aren't nearly enough negative things about Hobart and its people for me to be clambering to get on the plane.

Leaving all this makes me Sad. Sad is ok. I can do sad. I can handle it. But I am afraid. Afraid that the sad will turn into something more. And that I can't do.

Just over a year ago, I wrote about anti-depressants, miscarriages and other unhappy things. I have had depression before. When I was 19 I tried to check out of life for a while (Read: I took way too many anti-depressants with the intention of rendering myself unconscious). I like to think I am at least past that stage in my life. I have visited many psychologists, counsellors and psychiatrists who have given me a good number of coping skills. But the first half of last year saw me curled up on the floor paralysed by emotion too many times.

I guess I am afraid of a repeat. I know circumstances will be completely different, but still that voice of self doubt pops up every now and then telling me that I have a weakness. And conditions are ripe for my weakness to take over.

Even as I write this, though, I am reminded that there is also strength. Inner strength, spiritual strength, strength from my family and a strong husband (who is currently mumbling something about a "big fat Mario").

So here's to getting on that plane sad but not afraid.


Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I understand this because I felt some fear in our recent move too. For me, personally, focusing on my family and attending to their needs and helping them get settled has helped to not focus too much on my own anxieties. Good luck. You can do this.

DeNae said...

Depression isn't a sign of weakness, Helen. And you are very likely to face a bout of it over the next few months, so it's wise of you to plan ahead. I'd talk to a doc as soon as you reach AZ and try to keep ahead of it; once it's on top of you it's that much harder to tame.

Change, fatigue, loss, responsibility for others - they all contribute to depression, and you're going to be facing all of them in the days and weeks to come.

It's not weakness. It's life. And you're a smart lady.

The Kroks said...

Let me give you these words of comfort. Americans LOVE Australians. I knew this before we moved here, but didn't realize to what extent until we were actually living here. You are going to be a celebrity! And not just because you are Australian but because you are an amazing person too. It will be fun if we can catch up at some point while you are here. Until then, good luck with your big, no, HUGE move and all the best:)

Melanie said...

I think it's totally NORMAL to be scared to move, even if you are moving across town, which is clearly not what you're doing. The fact that you're aware of the depression is a pretty huge first step. Have Dal help you watch for certain things. . . give him triggers that you think are past the point you should be, and make him send you to the dr. if you get that far. But being self aware is going to be huge.

Also, there are a lot of us over here that are pretty darn glad you're coming, even if we don't live down the street. And you WILL make new friends. You guys can't help it.

PJ said...

All the best Hel. Stay strong! xxx

Bron Williams said...

love ya buddy and hope this move brings many good times and new adventures for your happily ever after in the making (thats happily ever after all the stuff that goes with marriage disclaimer thingy )
anyway what am i trying to say here??
just that im thinking of you guys and sending love across the miles.cant wait to read all about what ya doin and the dinner from down under blog !! :)
i put another post on my Yum blog..its going to be huge haha
love ya stax
hugs n smiles

Miriam said...

Hel, It is great that you have told us, and we'll do our best to encourage you and listen when you need to talk (or blog).
It would be very wise for you to also see someone (a GP) for a baseline checkup on arrival in the US, even if you are feeling fantastic. Give them a written history, discuss strategies(make a plan), and book appointments for follow up in 1 month and 3 months time. Calendar "ask Hel about depressive symptoms" reminders on your husband's mobile/calendar too. If you start to slide you want to have assistance early, before you are really in trouble.
Also, don't forget that sometimes anti-depressants aren't enough, plus the dosage/prescription often needs considerable tailoring. Don't be afraid to push for additional assistance or to change strategies. And give your heart a voice too.