Sunday, 24 March 2013

Happy Pills generally save me at least once every day

It's hot.  It's eleven in the evening and I am wide awake.

Two nights in a row now.  I haven't been able to go to sleep.  I've been suffering from complete exhaustion for the past four weeks and now I can't sleep?!  Stupid hormones.

I'm on the cusp of depression.  I take my pill every day and I know it keeps me from falling off the edge.  But I'm right there.  Right on the edge.  Not caring about my appearance.  Not caring about the state of the house.  Doing the bare minimum to get by.  Dallas says I have an excuse.  I'm pregnant.  But I think the excuse just enables me.  Am I being too hard on myself?  Should I just let all these things slide?  Give myself a break.  Or does giving myself a break just mean I'll be teetering on the edge for longer?

I'm not unhappy.  I just don't have it in me to care about things like appearances and dinner and getting out of the house.  For me, not caring about those things brings me closer to a black hole that I try to stay away from at all costs.

23 comments:

Gran Denny said...

Hugs for you, it's fine not to care, don't be so hard on yourself, don't sweat the small stuff (what the house or you look like) and keep taking those pills every day, they will keep you from falling over the edge. And one day, all too soon, you'll open your eyes and your adorable family will be all grown up and you'll be treasuring the memories of now, feeling sympathy for your daughter/s, daughter(daughters)-in-law as you recognise and remember just how they're feeling because you've been there. These trying times will be over before you realise, and they are what will allow you to look back and know you can do anything. You're wonderful, you're fabulous, you're stronger than strong, because you're a mother in Israel who loves her family. Keep your chin up, honk, honk.

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